I’m Mark Verdonschot, 38 years old and I’m from The Netherlands.
I love life and I’m really enjoying amazing moments. Since I can remember I always was a little bit different then people around me, I feel, experience and think a lot of times in a way that I don’t notice often around me. This is all in a way a true gift if it goes well but almost all my life I struggled also a lot with my emotions, addictions, depressions and in general with life itself, and so I hate life as well. I never took the easy way in life and I never gave up or became a patient, a label or a victim, even if it was pretty close sometimes!
With a lot of ups and downs I found walking and natural living and then specifically the medicine of walking and the magic of walking in and being in nature. Being in the moment is such an amazing experience and I discovered that walking brought me from thinking to doing! Living and acting in a natural way keeps the doctors away and it really changed my life!
Since I was young I struggle with life. I honestly can’t shake the thought that I’m living in the wrong time and on the wrong planet in the wrong universe. Who knows, maybe that’s true, maybe not. What I can say is that I really don’t get anything about life. The way people act, the way we are, how I see it, feel it and live it, the crazyness of paying tax, how we destroy the earth with plastic, fabrics, cars and cellphones! How we keep fighting each other and how important we think we are on social media. How status and money is more important then breathing and loving. And then all this controlling, the system and living in fear as a society. and I can go on for hours with all these things.
I struggle with life…
Life is crazy and strange place and if it’s all in my mind and I can’t find it with myself then life becomes even more crazier!! How is it possible that we destroying that one life that we got?
I don’t know if I ever really wil love life but I’m trying to deal with it.
Day in day out, one step at the time.
According to the specialist in the regular healthcare I have a borderline personality disorder. I don’t say I don’t have one but I think I’m pretty good in not living the label and I’m not buying the crap that they put you in once you let them.. I never took any synthetic medication and I never ever really found a way to deal with things until I started walking and then it’s still a struggle sometimes. You could say that I live my life in the most extreme and pure form of feeling and experiencing my emotions.. This brought me a lot of you and a lot of time it is that true gift but the most time of my life it was a disaster for me…
Sky high… to deep down
Like any borderliner my emotions are going up and down. And a lot of times the trigger to go from really up to really down can be something really small..
I give you an example: Let’s say I’m sitting in a restaurant and I’m happy and I feel calm and good, I don’t think to much and everything seems fine. Then the waitress comes and she cleans my table.. I’m really sensitive so my mind tells me this: why does she used chemicals? Did she used chemicals? Are there chemicals everywhere around me? Can I even be here? Why does she smokes? I hate smoking? I could smell her? Why Is the microwave here warming the food up? Why is there so much noise? What the hell al I doing here? How bad will the food be? Are people looking at me? Why is there no window open? I see a beautiful girl! I see ugly people! Why does nobody see what’s going on here? And so on and many many more thoughts are coming and this is all in a few minutes like a rollercoaster… my tension in my body goes sky high and in the meanwhile my partner wants to talk about something.. and all I can do is riding up the tension and being angry about anything and everyone. I have these things 100 times a day sometimes!! Imagine what happened in my life, with the people around me, with my relationships, my jobs, my mind, my stresslevel, my body and so on.. sky high to deep down….
It’s a very exhausting life! And this by itself is just my emotions, my addictions, depressions and some other things are coming from this and of course this comes from that. And then in general I got the struggle from life itself…
Have you ever had the feeling that you can’t escape a certain feeling? Probably you have.. I have that all the time.. I read a book once or actually I was listening to an audiobook and the writer was telling about that he couldn’t get rid of one thing while he was feeling down, he couldn’t escape from life. I recognize that so much. Maybe I have just an on going depression I don’t know or maybe it is just me or maybe it is… well let’s say that that feeling is a depression for me. Isn’t that crazy? Living my life with that non stop feeling? Actually the only time I don’t have that feeling is when I’m walking.. ok sometimes a little bit , but most of the time while I’m walking I don’t have that feeling..
Constantly that feeling…
life is exhausting!
It’s really something we can’t really touch but we feel it, it’s like the wind, it’s there but you can’t see it. I found a way to deal with it but I’m maybe not even sure what it really is! I know this is the weirdest short story about depression but you have an idea now. I never ever consider the fact that I can escape life as a real possibility but a lot of times I’m hoping that it will be over soon. I don’t see the death as a weird thing, I think life is the punishment, and yet I want to live and I don’t want to die. Do you understand it already better? Neither do I…
Maybe this is the conclusion for now: it’s almost not to explain, it drives me crazy and it’s clear ass well, it’s untouchable but still there are words, I can’t shake the feeling and probably no one really understands, but I no I’m not the only one with it but I can only experience myself.. We try to convince each other that it can’t be there and you have to feel and do better what if you can’t? I can only say to you: I know.. I really know….
And so I have that destructive pattern to escape from reality…
Gambling, Porno, Sugar, Negative Thinking, Having Stress, Massages, Trowing away money, Being Depressed, YouTube, Smoking, Mastrubation, Compulsive Cleaning, and so there will be probably a few more if I have to give it names and order but what all these things have in comment is that they where and are destructive for me. Let’s say for understanding this story that addiction means that it’s something that is really not good for you and it has a massive negative impact on your life! These things where and are that for me.
I can tell stories all day long about it and I will share them with you over time on my channels.. For now I want to give a picture of an average bad day in my life: I’m lying 23 hours of the day in my bed or on the couch, the other our is only for cleaning myself, going to the toilet or to get something to drink or eat. I’m sleeping half of the time and the other half of the time I’m watching non stop to whatever youtube gives me on my phone, sometimes I watch porn and I’m mastrubating up to 5 times a day. I drink 5 cans of coke, I eat 2 backs of chips, 1 pizza, 10 chickenwgs in aioli sauce, 1 big fries and a whole garlic bread, 4 bags of candy, 1 bag of m&m and I think the whole day that I’m ugly, nothing, crazy and a loser and that the whole world is against me and I manage to spend 100 euro while I’m laying in bed. And in the time that I smoked I smoked a package of sigaret with it.. And this was just a calm day. Imagine that I was a heavy gambler to and how a day would like like then.. trust me I know everything about addictions….
Only walking and finding connection help!
WALKING IS THE BEST MEDICINE
Walking is for me clearing my head, being in the moment, enjoying nature and having the feeling that everything make sense.
Walking is not only physically but also mentally! You can walk both. To deal with all these things I described and to find peace, creativity, libido, joy, happiness, calmness and inspiration I walk.
And this is not just for me. You can do it too!
If you learn to walk and if you learn to be in that moment while your walking, you can change anything you want in your life! Walking by itself cures nothing but it gives you a way to do it while your becoming fit, healthy and strong! It’s the bridge between thinking and doing! It wasn’t easy for me to find this medicine and sometimes it’s still not easy to do it but I’m doing it! This whole journey is about keep going, dealing with life, showing you a way and being the change. The question is do you want to be the change for yourself?
Who I am…? Not the labels!
Of course this is just a fraction of who I am and about borderline, addictions, depressions and walking as a medicine.
There is a lot more to find out about this and me on my YouTube channel and you will find out more and more if you follow my journey trough this website and my YouTube and Instagram channels.
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(Dutch) Ga naar www.doneeractie.nl/actie/55127 en doneer! Zo ondersteun je mijn grote doel en missie!